Monday, August 30, 2010

Culture and culture


Having Lived in Wollongong for three months, I experenced various cultures,not only in Australia culture, but also Chinese underlying culture. All these cultures are special. I try to write them down, however, I couldn't. There are something that u can feel but can't tell.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

春天





照片:春天 地点:满心满眼
也不知道大家是否注意到这些美丽的花儿已经悄悄的开了,美。。。。

Monday, November 24, 2008

妞的婚礼









这是我第一次千里迢迢参加一个朋友的婚礼,从北京到温州,飞了3个小时。这个婚礼也成为我最难忘的婚礼,上帝倾注了满满的爱,朋友带来了深深的祝福,而两个恋人也对此发出了真诚的感恩。妞妞,是我在ma时同宿舍的女孩儿,我们一起生活了两年,我习惯了她的幽默、她的忧伤和她的善良,今天当她与那个男人携手宣誓的时候,我竟是那么的不舍,觉得好像那位林先生从我的手里抢走了心爱的宝贝,也许这就是人生成长的一步吧,她已经属于她的丈夫,从此两个人相互扶持恩爱相随。而我也从这婚礼学会了成长,懂得了再见和独立,每个人都要走完上帝指引的路,承担不同的角色和责任,懂得放弃和拥有。我深深地祝福这对夫妻幸福。

Monday, July 21, 2008

2008年中国国际艺术双年展





横看成岭侧成峰










作品《孤独》表现了现代人的精神世界,坐在柱子上的男女,后背相对,隔着的又岂是肚皮




窈窕妈妈

我亲爱的弟弟

最近做了一个小手术,从肚子里拿出了一个畸胎瘤,我跟妈妈说是她当初明明造了两个宝贝,结果最后就把我生出来了,把我弟弟留在了我的肚子里。据说我的弟弟只是一堆毛发和几块脂肪。
当我知道这个陪伴我20多年的弟弟离开我身体的时候,突然觉得很难过,因为还没来得及说再见。从此不再有人是我肚子里的“蛔虫”,跟我共同分享酸甜苦辣。曾经认识一位朋友云,他的孪生兄弟在出生时就死亡了,所以他觉得自己是为两个人活,今天我也有了同样的感觉,也许我更应该好好的活,为那没有成形的兄弟姐妹,为了她or他的梦想和生命,精彩地活着。我的朋友觉得我很可笑,把个生理问题看成这样,但是我真的是这样觉得的,我不懂为什么上帝要如此安排,圣经中并没有提及这样的事情,也许是一种考验吧。在弟弟脱离我身体的时候,意味着这个细胞生命的完结,也许在平安之后会在天堂中和他相遇。也许他一直都在我身边守候着我,希望他一切都好。
今夜,无梦,有泪,思念,孤独。

恍惚一年


一晃真快,我已经参加工作一年了,这一年因为国内blogspot不是很稳定,经常上不来,时断时续的写了写东西,但是觉得对不起这个小家,太不善待它了。再次来到这里,才发现是博客让我爱上了写作,曾经我是一个多么讨厌文字和语言的孩子,而今来到博客小家却能写出些许东西的。
一年真的过得很快,我从一个踌躇满志充满幻想和希望的有志小朋友成长为一个平静面对生活、理性生活的斗士,就像在今年的村官大会上我写的稿子中写道的,由一个纯粹人变成了社会人,对待事情不再大惊小怪,要想后果,在说话前要三思,待人接物时要得体大方、考虑周全,这些对我来说还是好应付的。在工作中发现自己是一个嫉妒心很强的人,这是件可怕的事,如果我自己疏导得不好的话,我很担心会扭曲自己的心性;而且我发现自己很任性,尤其是遇到一个包容的领导更让自己变得飞扬跋扈。昨天我见了瑾,她过得很充实,而且快升职做品牌经理了,羡慕她可以做开心的工作,过开心的生活。其实这一年以来,我一直在思考毕业后选择的路是否错了,呆在这里有大家的关心,但是我不开心,心灵上是孤独的,痛苦的,以前小乔总说我是个喜欢别人陪着的人,其实那种物理性质的孤独对我来说没什么,最怕的是心灵的孤独,没人理解没人沟通。虽然领导给我呈现出一幅美丽的事业蓝图,也在帮助我,我也对成功充满了渴望,但是却觉得自己盲目、不自信也不喜欢这样的路。
我曾是一个带着光环“镣铐”生活的小丫头,骄傲、自负、聪明,每天精力充沛地完成自己要达成的目标,可是一年的时间,我开始迷茫,生活的石块将我的光环打碎,也将我解放。原来我也是一个不完美的人,平凡的人,也许这就是一年多来的收获吧。
不,除此之外,伟大的中华民族在这一年中也教会了我很多,2008年可能是我成人之后流泪和感动最多的一年。我也感谢这一年的经历,让大家看到了80后的本色。
很晚了,不胡说八到了,希望以后这个地方能随时登录进来。

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

08年开篇大戏: 我的人才网

08年开篇大戏就是将筹备很久的人才网站推上线,已经难产很久的孩子终于横空出世了,像每个父母一样,我是又欢喜又担心。为了给这个孩子起名字,我辗转反侧,不知道死了多少脑细胞,只是希望它一路走好,当然会有坎坷,但是有很多人用心和手小心翼翼地托着它,帮助它,同它一起成长。这次我是要 大干一番了,知道路不好走,但是慢慢来吧。

Thursday, January 03, 2008

让人不太舒服的网络

这个网络让人不太舒服,因为经常被中国的gatekeeper挡在门外。我想是blogspot跟中国的关系不太好的原因吧,这里的舆论很难得到控制,所以才会这样。最近在忙着招聘,作为过来人,而且是新过来人,每看到一个小孩子,都好像看到当年的自己。我希望给每个孩子一个充分展示自己的机会,真的很想帮她们。今年的就业形势不是很乐观,想起去年自己的轻狂状真是很过分,反思自己的工作也不是很如意,只是在一家人才服务中心做个普通打工妹。每当看到自己的朋友有机会不断奋斗的时候,我心里都会被刺痛。我一遍一遍告诉自己不要放弃自己,不要囚禁在这种沉闷的气氛中,我大声地呼喊“我要活!”过年了,想点儿开心的事,新的一年有新的开始,我要努力的把今年的目标实现。我要推广一个人才网站,一个区域杂志,还要干点儿我喜欢的对外汉语,2008,我的2008将是充满希望和奋斗的一年,我要加油,我要成长,我要成功。

Thursday, November 08, 2007


回归

得感谢一位路人,才意外发现我的博客可以上去了,很开心。我的博客还停留在三个月前,刚刚毕业的我。今天,我已经是一个上班族了,每天早起晚归,忙忙碌碌,辛苦但是很快乐。工作,一直是我快乐的源泉,我一直认为自己是为工作而生,活着就是为了干很多的事,但是干事的最终目的只有一个,就是帮助别人。我上大学的时候做过职业倾向的心理测评,结论是最好做一个福利院院长,今天当我从事公共服务工作的时候,,觉得那个测评结果是准确的,在这里我可是实现我的人生价值,众乐乐而后独乐乐。

Friday, August 03, 2007

看不见的博客

我的博客可以登陆到写文章的平台,但是却不能看见博客。在中国大陆可能我的博客只能用代理服务器才看得到,很多人都劝我换一个地方写博客。其实,这种事情的发生,倒是让我受了启发,我在思考,博客写作的意义。博客存在的一个重大的意义是自媒体we the meida ,但是现在没有了观看的受众,博客的意义是什么?是书写,为自己而书写。这个博客是一个在中国看不见的博客,我的书写也就成了隐性书写。德里达的书写意义是什么?下班了,先写到这。要是谁能看到我的博客,请告诉我!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

我跟我的博客关系不太好,怎么办?


我的博客被关闭了,我和我的朋友都无法登陆,有人劝我换个博客,但是我觉得也许这不是博客运营商的错。也许是因为我不经常登陆博客,所以它开始拒绝我了。博客其实也是有感情的东西,你不搭理它,它也有小脾气。毕业了,我的博客大作也完成了,但是却不是很理想。有一个老师提出我的论文很有问题,我反思自己,文章无论从写作本身,还是研究出发,的确都存在问题。虽然他给了我一个及格,但是我并不生气,只是有些郁闷。毕竟这个是从我身上掉下来的十斤肉,而且是我深深爱的那一部分。人民大学哲学研究所的张法教授提出了很好的建议,要我以一个名人博客作为跟踪案例,深入研究博客舆论的形成以及带来的社会作用。我决定以无限的热情毫无压力地完成它,因为这一次没有毕业论文格式的束缚,可以任由兴趣,有的放矢。张法教授还说我的论文是带着镣铐跳舞,思想本来可以飞起来,却因为美学学术所限,被牵绊着。其实,我还是感谢这三年的美学学习,它让我能够安静地坐下来,思考人生的意义。也许,三年前我意气风发,三年后却是沉静若水,没有了年少的激情,更多的是成熟的沉着。

我不知道自己应该怎样走,但是我相信老天待我不薄,而且我一直都认为上善若水,只要我依然如水,处乱不惊就足够了。

Thursday, July 05, 2007

毕业啦!!


正式毕业了,走的时候没有什么难过的机会,因为学校在毕业典礼当天就把我们驱逐出境,我于晚上10点才搬完家,躺在床上,脑子里一片空白,只想一觉不再醒来。两天后,我开始了我的职业生涯,单位里大家都在忙碌着,没有人会理解我毕业的心情,学校偶尔发给我的短信可能会刺激到我的神经。学生时代真的说再见了,人们都发生了变化,雷留在学校继续读博,小新要去美国支教了,我开始了独立的生活。不知道该以什么方式来纪念这个毕业的时刻,也许校长的学位授予可以见证吧。虽然大多朋友依然在北京,但是各自都在疲于奔命,想要再聚还是很困难,只是希望大家都好。

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

妞儿的生日




昨天是徐妞的生日,我们几个人去簋街吃饭,回来以后我和徐妞都很伤感,这是我们最后一次人凑得这么齐过生日了。妞儿特意聘我为御用摄影,要我好好记录这次的聚会,拍了很多照片,但是不知道是不是她要的那款的。有时间把这些照片做成短片送给她吧,睡在我上铺的兄弟。


最近火气很大,可能是因为要离开的原因,心里很难过,但是又能怎么办呢。

午后的乌镇







四月份出差去了趟浙江,忙里偷闲去乌镇玩了一下午。乌镇给我的感觉是无法用言语来形容的,那个地方好像就是我出生的地方,那样的舒服,进入乌镇就觉得每个毛孔都舒展的,听见那水、那桥还有桌子、椅子、房檐都在说,欢迎回家。在乌镇碰到一对老年夫妇,手挽手走在长廊上,我顿时觉得很感动,携子之手,与子同老,真美,老了以后就去乌镇,也做个这样的“美”。

Sunday, April 22, 2007

出差了,生病了,快考试了!!

这段时间去南方了,那地方真去不得,美的要命,不想回来了。回来就生病了,顶着病,加班写考察报告,然后又开始赶论文。赶完论文了,上课,发烧,上课,汇报考察,考试。人呐,一辈子就是劳碌命,真是命苦。羡慕小强,居然硕士就留在辽大当授课老师,牛人呀。我,还得没日没夜地加班,写稿子,看书。不过,也感谢这样的生活,不然干什么呢?呵呵。明天还要去上课,以后再写《南游记》吧。累了,晚安。现在是美国时间下午1点多,应该跟他们说午安吧。(我的博客是美国产的)

Monday, April 02, 2007

终于能上了

今天终于可以来我的博客了,赶忙把一些以前的东西发到上面去,完了之后还久久不原离去,生怕明天又上不去了.走了

归宿

大家都差不多有了自己的归宿,雷考了北大的博士,微微要回浙江了,苏已经去新华社上班了,小飞去了汇文中学国际部,小新要去美国,吴瑾也成了著名文化策划人,我也要去顺义了。丹丹,又续复旦缘,希望老杨能收她。再见了,我的校园生活,不再担心校园卡丢了,也不担心12点的门禁,不再冲向图书馆占座,不会在教授的眼皮下坐着打瞌睡。人生总是有很多阶段,我的校园生活还有两个月就要宣告结束,我也要成为一个大人了,可怕。希望每个人都走好,乘风破浪会有时,直挂云帆济沧海。

封闭的博客客厅

不知道为什么,这段时间中国大陆封了blogspot.com,因为我也在mainland,so我自己也没法登陆,只能把一段段的文章放在文档里,有点儿像真正的日记了。德里达在《书写与差异》一书中论证由于电子媒介的出现了物质以及原有写作心理痕迹的消失。德胜先生也曾在讨论课慨叹如今的电子化阅读让我们缺失了回忆。于是,我心血来潮,在超市买了漂亮的信纸来,打算用笔写作,顺便练练字。由于上不去博客,突然想起自己也可以做一只小白鼠,因为在我的论文中 有一部分研究真假博客的问题,什么是真博客,正确使用博客,什么是假博客伪博客,只是心血来潮,有很强的功利目的。还有,博客写博的一大乐趣是带着假面跳舞的真实,如今很多在真实世界认识我的人开始关注我的博客,让我在现实生活和虚拟世界双方面受到了gazing,我还是否会写出自己的真实想法,会不会在书写中有压力?作为小白鼠的我,呵呵得好好琢磨琢磨。

Fool's Day

明天是愚人节了,这一天是令人期待的,不仅是因为在这一天你可以骗人致死也无妨,还因为很多人在这一天会向心仪已久的人表白。现在很怀念大学时候的愚人节,我们总是想着办法来捉弄老师和同学,也在期待愚人表白,呵呵。人,总是真真假假的,其实愚人节这一天是老实人的节日,因为老实人只有在这一天才会淘气一下儿,大多数人平日里则履行着愚人节的规则。今天,我很伤心,因为自己丢了。明天是愚人节,也是我的节日,希望我能找回自己。这段时间一直都在闭关写毕业论文,很难,但是因为自己选了这条路,就要咬牙走下去。晚上的时候,我一个人走在校园里,回想起我的大学时代,好像还在眼前,但是一切又好像只是浮云魅影。为什么我总是沉浸在大学时代,是因为那是我最美好的青春年华吗,还是因为我依然抱着曾有的光环不愿回到今天,我想都有吧,那里曾经有我的爱,我的梦想,我的烦恼。明天是愚人节了,我的节日,我也将开始我的再一次奔跑。大学时代,华南曾用奔跑中的女孩来形容我,哈哈,她的文章简直把我写成了一个神人,可见新闻人物采访中记者的作用有多大了。这一次,我希望我真的成为奔跑中的女孩儿,找回自己的骄傲。其媛留言说羡慕我的生活,其实精彩的生活是靠自己去寻找和创造的,同样的一杯水,韩寒就写出了自己的精彩,一举成名,你可以,我也可以。加油吧,我和我的朋友们!!

写,人在书写中

今天是情人节,我却过的很糟糕,不过,这个节本来就不是属于我的节日,爱情这个词已经从我的字典里删除了。今天来博客写点东西,可能只有这样还证明我活着,我写故我在吧。其实,一直都在写东西,在写我的paper,打算等大作告成,贴到博客上,大家共享。写东西,其实是一种幸福,人通过书写来证实自己的存在,尤其是在网络中,人抽象的精神只能通过具象的文字来表达,人们也是通过文字来了解别人,获得信息。虽然有很多人用图像来代替文字,但是画龙点睛还是用文字。博客让人们从荒废的视觉盛宴中觉醒,开始面对真正的光明(柏拉图的光明),人们开始回归写作,以此来面对心灵。但是是不是所有的人在博客中说的都是真的,都是自己的精神世界的展现?很多博友开始通过博客来了解别人,交朋友,这样的交际方式会不会也有现实中的压力?


续,人在书写中
春节回家,发现我17岁的弟弟也有了博客,而且有两个博客,我偷偷地看了,写的笔法虽然还不太成熟,但是已经有点儿文学青年的味道了。每次我做研究的时候,喜欢把自己的位置摆的很低,到最基层、最基础的地方去。小孩子尚未接触社会,心灵如此干净的时候,做出来的东西,可能更真,目的也更纯。所以我的弟弟被我深度访谈了一次,吼吼,我这个不象话的姐姐,把他当小白鼠了。

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

办公室里的遐想

Vita皱个眉头,在做东西。不知道她是不是没有意识到这个习惯,曾经有一个人做过心理学分析,要是一个人面部保持微笑,心情会有所改善,相反,要是她总是皱眉头,心情会变得糟糕。真的很希望她开心。唉,我要是那个内存条就好了,可以让她的电脑快一点。
不知道为什么,很喜欢这个女孩儿,脾气很火,但是做事效率很高,她对自己和别人都要求很高,有自己独特的生活主张,能够感到她内心的细腻和她表面的坚强。曾经,我也是一个这样的人,执着认真地对待一切,喜欢自己弄些不一样的东西,但是三年研究生生活让我忘却了这些。我曾一个人放声大哭,但是又能怎样,自己要积极地面对。一个博士(托尔斯泰的围巾),曾经告诉我,要学会包容和接受,然后才能吸收,我觉得自己吸收了文人的穷酸,却没学到文采和精神,忘记了自己的新奇想法和精致生活。浩林曾经狠狠地骂过我,说我不是原来的我了,是呀,我去了哪?
不想了,好在我开始寻找自己了,我是谁?谢谢朋友们一直以来对我的关心,让我有勇气重新再来。还有Jason和陆庭阁,我亲爱的学生,给我很多不同的意见。
昨天,蓝标的HR打电话来说缺一个媒介代表,问我愿不愿意做,我婉言谢绝了。这次,真的是我拒了蓝标,呵呵。听一个一起去面试过的人说,最后蓝标只给了四个offer,那个哥哥不幸没有被选中,已经去了中国人寿。顺义人才中心也打了电话要跟我签约,北京户口,公务员待遇,听起来很不错,但是我也拒了,因为真的想呆在highteam,让我是我。有人曾经说我是一个想了就去做的人,不计后果,呵呵,也许吧。好了,要去给浩林翻译东西了,拖了很久也没给他,我都不好意思了。

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

When you feel more pressure?

我去蓝色光标应聘的时候,曾经在一面的时候被问到这个问题,要是我可以重新回答,我要说now,when you make the first step out of the campus。以前在学校的时候,我一直都从事学生工作,甚至跟一个普通老师一样工作,也得到了老师们的认可,我的能力得到了很好的锻炼和施展。但是在Highteam实习的生活中,自己的各方面的能力却突然消失了。跟几个朋友交流,浩林说因为才工作,底气不足,努力学习。我觉得是给自己的压力太大了,我在天涯总说不要拥有而被拥有,今天突然发现自己就是这样,就是太看重、太喜欢这个工作了,反而束缚了自己的手脚。这次实践,跟以往的实习都不同,没有谁可以宽容你犯错,这里就是商场的第一线,一切都是真格的。想起苏建议我去高校,因为我比较熟悉和适合,但是我还是选择了Highteam作为我的起点,因为在这,人可以活得有激情,可以迫使你进步,在这里还有很多热心又积极的人作为我的榜样。
新年的时候给蓝色光标的HR发了一封信,谢谢她为我们面试付出了巨大的努力,也说起,我找到了该奋斗的方向,我觉得Highteam是一个可以飞翔的天空,你可以发挥自己最大的长处,虽然忙碌但是很快乐。我今天鼓起勇气,跟Snow说想要继续厚着脸皮待下去,他说15号之后。唉,不知道15号后会不会离开,真的爱这个地方

Friday, January 05, 2007

天涯不是天涯

前有赖声川武陵不是武陵,今有天涯不是天涯。最近一直在混天涯,以前生活在赞美声中的我,在天涯遭遇了猛烈的攻击。在天涯,我体验到了天涯若比邻的一层寒意。(下班了,先写到这。最近上不去MSN,很郁闷)
续:天涯,不是天涯,是一个骂与被骂的地方,来的人形形色色。论坛跟博客很不一样,尤其是天涯,以拍砖著名的论坛,网络暴民化趋势极为严重,但是就是这样的地方才更容易产生思想的火花,因为碰撞得太厉害了。这次经历,为给论文写作提供了很好的素材,我也将用我帖子的回帖作为实例,说服那些不知道BBS是何物的教授们。

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

工作要认真,态度要谦和

今天我还在实习中,项目要结束了,能不能留下is a big problem。不过这段时间学习到很多东西,如何作英文报告,如何作ppt,如何分配工作时间等等。感谢一直在帮助我的vita,和恩师游刃。
今天我对面的gg被头儿骂了,这GG于是一上午都用公司的电话跟一个朋友发牢骚,第一次领教了一个男人话这么多。我不太认同这种态度,人只有有积极学习、努力的心态才能进步,不应该抱怨,更不能在工作时间用公司电脑抱怨。每一个进步,是要靠自己的努力的,不然只会饿死。工作了这么久,也不知道头儿对我的看法是什么,snow这个人很活泼,但是只跟他说了一次话,怕怕。可能怕上司是一个通病吧,希望我能有继续实习的机会。

为昨晚在台南地震中的死难者默哀

听到这个消息的时候,心里很难受,这种难受不是同情,而是感同身受。我的家乡,非常著名的就是常常地震,我总是跟人开玩笑说,要是你想在世界地图上找到海城,就找份地震地图,一找一个准。我的童年是在地震的摇篮曲中长大的,有一次地震以后去学校,发现满地都是玻璃,还有一个我还以为会被广播事业献身在地震中呢。最近的一次地震是8月份北京地震,当时我跟我的美国学生在6层做一对一,桌子突然晃得厉害,我跟他(谭浩文)说earthquake !他居然很兴奋地真的吗?晕倒。
其实,我是幸运的,海城在20多年没有很大的地震,只是没事儿小震下儿,我也只当是摇摇床,没有谁在地震中伤亡,据说只有东山农村的一只狗被破墙砸死了。台南地震,很多人失去家庭,失去亲人,失去事业,我的心里说不出的痛,同时也在上帝那为他们祈祷,希望他们生活早日回归正常,找回自己的幸福。
哦,今天还是有一件高兴的事要说的,我那个出版专业资格考试过了,但是很险
科目 分数 合格标准 合格与否
出版专业基础知识(初级) 101 100 合格
出版专业理论与实务(初级) 112 110 合格
谢谢上帝,也谢谢关心帮助我的人们。活着就是一种幸福

Sunday, December 24, 2006

硕博词(转自才女张新)

三年硕士五年博,霜染青丝纹上额。十年寒窗难破壁,一朝毕业讨生活。
东西外企疑无路,南北国企人也多。忍看私企门不入,笑闻牛人进院所。
无头苍蝇空扑翼,丧家之犬进油锅。一骑红尘心暗笑,错把据信当offer
汗透重衣梦难醒,一进一退失所措。自思年年求学事,无花无酒亦无歌。
红袖冥冥无觅处,象牙塔中难造车。两处茫茫皆不见,四面碰壁无逃脱。
未经悬梁刺股痛,悔把岁月空蹉跎。今朝有梦今朝作,莫待无梦呼奈何。

三年硕士五年博,身变皮骨腰变驮。昨日豪情遭磨难,今朝两鬓见斑驳。
囊中通货常恨少,腹内草莽日渐多。墙上芦苇浅根底,山间竹笋空外壳。
有心飘洋求深造,无奈拦路有G 托。终日昏昏书中死,彻夜迷迷网上活。
人依电脑哥俩个,情寄足球心一颗。偶有红袖添香事,南柯梦醒愁更多。
不毛之地空求雨,梧桐树矮愧凤落。寄言诸位同窗友,莫效小子这般活。
轻浮小舟难下海,空虚岁月易蹉跎。此中言语皆肺腑,敬请大家细琢磨

the Christmas is at the corner

今天是中国的圣诞夜,全天我参加了北京公务员考试,很娱乐。晚上跟朋友去了后海,见了一位很久不见的老朋友,在她的店里拿了件自由风格的裤子,很舒服。唉,我这种人,在穷时候还这样,但是因为很久以前就跟她订了,所以得讲信誉。
昨天本来打算看公务员考试的书的,可是在网上碰到了我最爱的美国学生,我们聊天聊了很久。他学社会学、心理学和摄影,在杜克的时候我跟他特别谈得来,跟他说起了《暗恋桃花源》,他很感兴趣。最近德国汉学家顾彬对中国现代作家群的评价引起了中国作家的骚动和群殴,不管是不是说中了中国作家的心病,这年头引起注意就算成功。我的这个学生则给了我一篇他写的关于中国女作家陈染的评论,还不错,没准这是将来的汉学家。希望他能更好地了解中国文化,了解中国作家

James Pangilinan

ALIT 233

“Breaking Out”: (of) Space, Time, and Ideas

The literature of Chen Ran has been deemed by many critics as experimental, feminist, exploratory of human nature and marginal psychological states (bianyuan xinli), avant-garde. Her works often are polysemous, multivocal, practicing their own multivalence, and open to external criticism from all sources- state, professional literary, academic, and moralist. Formally, her work reflects influences from western modernists such as Kafka and Woolf. Ideal-wise, her text’s thoughts draw from classical Chinese philosophy to Freud to contemporary critical theory, particularly feminist and gender theories. Needless to say, her works exhibit complexity and depth that play nicely to particular tastes but perplex many, critics and censures included.

This leaves the task of understanding her writings to critics of the moment who stay open to transnational, panhistoric trends. As a critic herself, she actively engages in discourses regarding her own work. Prominent in her critical project and literary work is her theory of gender-transcendent consciousness (chaoxingbie yishi), which she outlined in her 1994 talk in England entitled “Gender-Transcendent Consciousness and My Creative Writing” (Chaoxingbie yishi yu wode chuangzuo). Sang articulates this clearly:

Her definition… in fact straddles two distinct notions. One is the notion of transcending gender, which refers specifically to the ability to choose a partner of one’s own biological sex instead of being limited by the social imperative to procreate and hence, to choose a partner of the opposite sex. The other is the notion of a radical indifference to anatomical sex and social gender that downplays sex/gender altogether” (203).

For her, heterosexuality in its “always already” praxis and consciousness restricts the individual too greatly to the point of infelicitous disharmony, resulting from socialization’s production of negative normative masculinity. This latter premise leads her to idealize lesbianism for its offerings of “real communication” and “mutual understanding,” ideals often more significant than the “essential utilitarianism” of normative reproductive economies (203). In other words, what she values most greatly is love irrespective of sex or gender, just as she claims (her) art exists as and articulates.

In addition to her autocriticism, which grants insights to some extent, others have been busied by her writing. Wendy Larson has argues Chen Ran, while a professed writer in modernist traditions, still engages in contemporary postmodern literary discourses. This should come to no surprise upon considering that some of her masters such as Kafka and Borges, who wrote in experimental ways, as did Joyce, could be defined as antecedents and innovators in postmodernity. However, even accounting this, interpretation of their works as well as Chen Ran’s remain central to this claim. And looking at Chen’s case more closely, as Larson claims, her version merely fashions an awkward postmodernism (i.e., a Chinese simulacrum of western-originating postmodernity, where “Chinese culture still finds itself trapped in interpretations that impose on it older ideas of cultural essence and authenticity,” thereby making pure assimilation of that Other doctrine unfeasible). In practice, Chen’s work is “aware of the imported nature” and its consequent distance from totalization. Instead, it parades “before us semiparodic references to the contexts and paradigms of postmodernity, often to the point of absurdity” (Larson 213). Following suit, Chen creates narratives, which often include (quasi-) postmodern tropes and techniques, uniquely acknowledge and participate in the literary present.

“Breaking Open” offers a pivotal point in her oeuvre, because of its departure from her usual prior “intensely melancholic” thematics. As an exception it voices more optimism and ends more affirmatively, but like her other work this piece is equally experimental, actively pursuing of her theory, and awkwardly postmodern. While critics have commented on this particular story’s importance regarding gender-transcendent consciousness, they by this tendentious reading miss many of its highlights in form and ideas. In its special handling of space, time, and ideas, “Breaking Open” articulates in awkward postmodern fashion its author’s problematic theoretical vision, and thereby signifying more than even former interpretations.

A straight reading founded along lines of Chen’s gender-transcendent consciousness claims that the story’s couple of Yunnan and Dai’er, the first-person narrator, seeks a “breaking open” by constructing a space for female intimacy within their urban milieu. Here, Sieber adds by claiming that the kind of desired space is intellectual, cultural and intersubjective, where “women” as they contest its meaning, occupy a location away from past and prevalent oppression. In sum, this text envisions a positive new space. Yet, despite this interpretation’s instructive power (or utter verity), others posit different definitions of new space. Lauretis conceptualizes gender as representation, as well as self-presentation, that can be enabled, defined, or effected by implementing various social technologies, such as cinema (mass media), critical practices, epistemologies, and mundane micro-level practices (714). Continuing this thread, as representation always go, their creation necessitates abstraction and framing, and as in the cinema the framed representational space presupposes an existing space known in film theory as space-off (i.e., a “reality” external to it; 720). Applied to sexualities and gender, when put to use in avant-garde art, the seamlessness of cinematic representation dissolves, pushing framing limits by including (or recognizing) space-off, the articulation mechanism itself, and the audience. In Chen’s story, transcendence affords more than newly constructed space; rather, more interestingly, the representational space can include space-off-ed gender, sexuality, and the unrepresented/unrepresentable, this being previously and presently excluded. In practice, this latter category of heteronomous spaces, forms, contents and ideas remain predicated on Chinese culture and historic flux. In sum, this story expresses more than mere fictional gender transcendence and narrative end, the positive representation, but also what remains excluded, silenced or yet to be represented- the negative or null. In this regard, the space of feminism as Chen and her contemporaries conceive it have simultaneously actualized previously unrepresented limits and narrative extents while contradicted this inclusive representational space by reconfiguring space-off. This advanced interpretation is complementary with- to some extent- or manifest in the third space of female homoerotic fiction in post-Mao China. This space consists in new inclusive representations from “socially marginal perspectives and/or with a strong diasporic sensibility” (173).

In addition to the representational and its epistemological space, Chen’s text explores the diasporic sense of home- or homelessness. Of its many experimental features, its story space, neither solely representational nor transcendent, is composed as restricted and abstracted. Directly accountable, the female couple only occupies four physical spaces: the airport waiting room, Yunnan’s village, the city of N, and the airplane. Even of these, Yunnan’s village seems to be material only through indirect description. What can this signify? I argue that this dislocation of actual space reflects the influence of Kafka,[1] hence the city’s single-letter name, and possibly Woolf, much like in To the Lighthouse’s spatial limits, but in no way is expressivity curtailed, rather it permits Chen’s, like Woolf’s, use of inner monologue, stream of consciousness, and psychological narration. In effect, space is secondary to the primacy of thoughts, associations, and subjective meanings.

However, space does accrue significance, particularly in relation to historical narratives (discourses) and the postmodern present. The story’s formal exposition can be limited to the first few paragraphs. Space-wise, characterization of the airport’s waiting room immediately addresses the main couple’s alienation from the babble and crowd (i.e., their need for their own space), the prevalence of cross-gender dissatisfaction, socialization’s capitalist material basis, and a concept of time- to be returned to later. This room is revisited throughout the text, to the points of doubling, tripling… over its significances of dislocation and existential space’s uniformity, therefore space’s banality.

An important dichotomy between Yunnan’s village and the narrator’s native city N reenacts and reconfigures preceding modernist narratives during pre-socialist and Maoist times. Comparison comes in the forms of repeated reference to traveling both ways when accompanied by comparing Yunnan and Dai’er. Yunnan’s village, as in Maoist narratives, is made out to possess lyrical, emotional power such as when described as “a mountain town of lingering rain in the lower reaches of the Yangzi River… In this gray, hazy, little town by the side of the river, even the sunshine is dripping wet…”- natural vitality and magic seem infused in this impressionist canvas (54). Or, it out rightly is idealized, such as, when the narrator dreams of their intimate creative space, a vision distilled into Tao Xian’s couplet; in contrast, she downplays N as “an emotional wasteland full of people chasing after fame and fortune” (62). This dichotomous evaluation, a reversal of some modernizing discourses, does not however come into full agreement with a socialist one: absent are instructive peasantry, character-building labor, reeducation. Substituted for that, is an idyllic vision that in its fullest expression translates into an intimacy with rural space through Yunnan’s manifest sense of home, a sharp difference from Dai’er’s dispossession.

Chen, through the narrator’s view, offers a surreal, postmodern perception of urban space. In order for her to experience the city of N, she must expose herself to the surges of frenetic energy, noise oppressively set in harmony by a “male rhythm that has become a public standard,” architecture in the extreme, white noise- or- in a word, a labyrinth of “contradictory feeling in which there is ambiguity and resistance at the same time” (70). As a result, she lacks deep feelings for her hometown. To her, N like its signifier is empty and could only be lived as a consumer experience: “It is a bottle of perfume, brand Love, stored away for the longest time, which, with increased age and experience, has completely lost its potency. It is a person waiting without hope” (61). Yet, against her better judgment, despite absence of feeling, she resolves, in facticity, to attempt to inhabit this superficial space by carving out their third space: “My mother is always awaiting for me with her door ajar. It is decreed by fate that I cannot sever my ties with this city” (71). Like in preceding narratives, the city becomes common signifier or discursive metaphor for explaining China in midst of rapid development. Comparing the present narrative to the past’s, occupying the city comes at a diasporic price.

Beyond the historical dichotomy of rural-urban space, this diasporic sense of home finds its greatest signifier in the airplane’s metaphoric space. In accordance with the early twentieth century modernizing discourse, this transportation technology and physical mechanism embodied China’s modernization, as lucratively exploited in advertising campaigns such as calendar posters. At that time it was used a positive sign- a signifier of progress- as well as in its advertising form integrated within consumer capitalism. Chen borrows this latter idea, except applies it with contemporary pessimism against late capitalist consumption: “They all had struggled forward to have their tickets inspected as though it were a matter of rushing to purchase a special amnesty certificate” (49). Like the Love perfume of branded home intimacy, analogy makes parody of salvation-purveying consumption, travel, and cosmopolitanism. This criticism through parody is contrasted by Chen’s silent, sparse description of the plane’s interior; the plane merely serves as minimal surface to the deeper disjunctive psychological narration. In effect, when the plane is used repeatedly, the plane’s nondescript space- in addition to Chen’s general usage of space- contributes to her nonrealism, experimental aesthetics, self-reflexivity (or ever present cognizance of writing as artifice). However, the plane as space transcends this; it develops its own significance as diasporic metaphor. When considered conceptually, the plane’s space manifests the very vicariousness of space- its contingency and instability. While seemingly of substance (i.e., self-existent), in motion the plane possesses no specificity, being constantly spatially in flux. Towards the story’s end, before Dai’er’s dream, the plane is torn apart: “Without coherence or order, objects emerge in riotous profusion… All of a sudden the plane starts to shake… Sounding as if possessed by demons, they seem to say: Run away from here, quick, run away from here, as fast as you can” (66). Clearly, these impressions and this orientation towards spatial incoherence, the plane’s spatial concept delivered to its Borgesian extreme, express both a burdening sense of dislocation and an ever-present distance from uniform finitude.

As traveling requires traversable space, it also assumes time expenditure and change. The plane not only invariably imposes an infinite, differential configuration of space but also it implies resetting temporal ordering, in a similar historical (or social) manner as well as existentially (or as an individual). Again the first paragraph offers pan-narrative input; besides purchasing amnesty, the crowd engages in a mad rush to board, in a manner that contrasts distinctively from the main couple (49). This first instance signals the variability of time. Three times exist in this passage: the crowd’s, the plane’s and the couple’s. As well as these, historical time, namely that of Post-Maoist China, is present, suggesting a time for change, synthesis or creation of new from old. Notably, this Other time seems to be articulated throughout the narrative in the couple’s. Their time to some extent seems to be intertwined with an existentialist conception of time (i.e., that of the very immediate, fleeting but disjointed present, availing anything’s occurrence). This understanding, for Chen’s characters as well as the generation of Chinese they signify, is very empowering and affirming of potential. However, this conception comes not in purity but is hybridized when mixed with the couple’s concern and partial dependence on its maternal forbearer’s approval. Key instances of both temporal conceptions occur during the narrator’s proximate placement of ruminations on Neil Armstrong and Dai’er’s subsequent dream. The former exemplifies semi-historical personal reflection on solitude (discrete individualism) and its attendant discontents, whereas the latter offers means and approval of defying that solitude. Strikingly similar, both feature a sense of mortality: mortality, an ultimate and exclusive solitude, where the decedent (or as its Dasein) can dash to death, escapes the mundane, and finally encounters authenticity and truth. In other words, death offers a form of transcendence. The plane as unstable as its sense of space offers an equally variable, non-uniform conception of time.

Time is less philosophically dealt with throughout its narrative. Preoccupation with the historical present, with its urgency, and its potential- thematically set in the story’s exposition- combines with a consciousness of the relatively recent history through Chen’s frequent use of situational encountering. This technique, where the couple seek out or chance upon situations with implicit historical references or explicit allusion, enables her narrative to participate in generational, retrospective discourses, and this inscribed consciousness that usually includes critiques, thereby qualifying her writing as actively responsible. Concretely, one situation of this form is born out of the couple’s impulse to visit Zhazidong Prison, the place where Sister Jiang, an idealist fighter against the Nationalists, was incarcerated. This occasion that resonates deeply with nationalistic as well as state feminist sentiments is commented on as not just through a pure expositional account, rather the situation’s light is refracted through feminist concerns, spatio-temporal distance manifest as disgust, and the couple’s romantic cares; making the situation an encounter. In other words, both the discursive experience and immediate situation qualify the experiential totality. For example, they become befuddled by the question of justice:

“With all our acute intelligence, we could not grasp the dialectical relationship between human nature and justice. We could not understand how two words like ‘honorable’ and ‘ridiculous’…could now come within an inch of each other” (63).

What they question are the Maoist nationalistic narratives that before seized hold of Chinese citizenry but now must cope with the past. Those narratives, now discredited, perplex persons of the present; that is, personal narratives play into experiencing past narratives. Furthermore, they are reinscribed in these personal ones but in ways productive of a historical account. This strikes an (awkward) postmodern chord, where history no longer is a total account, rather it reads as a totalizing metanarrative, a representation framed by/in the situational circumstance.

Personal situational encountering reoccurs throughout “Breaking Open”; there are talks of qipaos, Mei Yanfeng and bodily skylines, Neil Armstrong, and President Nixon. This latter example offers another striking example of an awkward, playful postmodernity present in Chen’s writing. Humorous shock value is composed through withholdedly telling an anecdote about Nixon. First mention comes before the narrator’s expressed intention of creating “Breaking Open,” their women’s association, and continues after this brief but important diegetic information. Chen’s narration cuts back to this semihistorical turned personal account of her relation to a generation. Besides its comedy, what is interesting is Chen’s use of celebrity as point of departure for her addressing history. One receives the feeling that while not modernist in future orientation- “An old clock hangs on the wall. She [Yunnan] is reluctant as usual to wind it up, as if she did not believe in time and in the future”- an apprehension, and therefore critical distance, in perceiving the past exists (56). For her, which Chen executes through a shift to third-person narration, looking at the past, both with its oppressive childhood home setting and its revolutionary ideological excess, requires associative use of the present-day signifier of celebrity. Effectually, the meaning and value of the signified is lost to semiotic play: in sum, this use of surface replaces deep involvement with the past.

Engagement with the past, an ineluctable factor or a priori in all cultural production, manifests itself in the gender-transcendent dream sequence through its inclusion of Yunnan’s mother. A special relationship is shared between the narrator and this maternal figure. Regarding history, it maintains partial linear continuity by allowing an intimacy and exchange across generational gaps of experience. This bond, according to Sieber, furthermore produces and constitutes maternal approval between mother and daughter, thus dissolving any psychological hang-ups or complexes that posit conflicting interests (21). She also proposes that maternal wholehearted approval contrasts with former narratives’ aggrieved breaking of mother-daughter links experienced during the Republican period. The product of this emotionally, intellectually, historically reconstructed bond is gender transcendent female self-determination; mothers and daughters and lesbian lovers unite.

With maternal sanction, Chen’s concept of gender-transcendent consciousness is not yet fully a carving out from former of a new ideal, actual, temporal space. This (re)configured space finds again ample articulation in the airplane. In a comic compromise, reflecting a deferral of meaning and distance of idea systems (awkward postmodernism), the narrator invokes an ideal of gender illusion in relation to sexual difference:

“I am not using the restroom in the sky. Up there one is too close to God; earthly matters- regardless whether they concern us women or them men, especially everything connected to the sex organs- are best taken care of on the ground, because God has no sex, and we should not disturb such a being” (58).

Chen uses this to express her ideal of gender/sex difference erasure, or irrelevance. She continues when she discusses the Edenic myth of human origin. In the former, actual spatial elevation, mechanically enabled by the plane- a sort of existential metaphor- suggests the earthliness of sexual/gender difference. And in the latter, in the narrator’s reflection on origin as a representation, she denies reproductive economy, the procreation drive. Both in Christian and existentialist terms, this escape from the fall in the worldly (or) quotidian affords for self-determinacy/ salvation. These concurrent soundings, applied by Chen Ran, afford gender-transcendent consciousness.

As Sieber and Sang argue, this theory that Chen puts forth in her criticism and fiction, possesses its own theoretical limitations through irremediable self-contradiction. Simultaneous to advocating genderless love and downplaying of the social imperative to procreate she idealizes lesbian sexuality and love. In “Breaking Open” her characters frequently recall or meditate on masculinity, proffering negative examples, such as their assessments of murderous male poets, false male intellectuals, and -most facetiously- punctuation-mark-named dogs engaged in power contestation embodied in their romantic intrigue. As concomitant to this, idealization of their self-constructed space, love, and sisterhood, reiterated in their affirmations of love, is inscribed plentifully throughout the text’s body. Herein lies the paradox of Chen’s theory, as Sieber words it: “a desire to transcend gender difference and desire to imprint that transcendence with female specificity” (21). Additionally as problematic as this contradiction, Sang points out the theory’s “uneasy relation to the logic of transgenderism” (206). While her theorized consciousness claims the gender/sexual unimportance, this consciousness takes gender/sexual differences as always already identities, thus threatening more peripheral identities and neglecting variable genders and sexualities.

These criticisms cast gender-transcendent consciousness as contradictory, limited, and productive of its own issues. In the end, she must as in the story invoke, albeit attended with critiques, so-called universals or transcendent principles like love and humanity, which as she considers them are like art: apolitical or depoliticized. Following this reasoning, perpetuates the invocation of ideals, leading to questionable claims upon further questionable claims; in other words, leading to infinite regression, of sorts. If this is not the case, then in the least the author by offering her own theory merely contributes her own personal myth (ex, of love)[2] or vision to broader social and cultural discourses. This proposition conforms nicely with her avowed modernism, which as argued above, actually performs itself as engaged in and reflective of an awkward postmodernism.

In conclusion, Chen Ran’s “Breaking Open” truly works multivocally, multisemously, and multivalently within itself. To read it is to experience a representational play of space and time and ideas themselves. As experimentation it demands extended representational boundaries; boundaries that create, crush and cave in on themselves. In story form it mediates in an existentially timed manner on the very present historical moment, rife with its conflictions and ambiguities.


Works Cited

Chen, Ran. “Breaking Open.” Trans. Paola Zamperini. Red Is Not The Only Color Contemporary Chinese Fiction on Love and Sex between Women, Collected Stories. Ed. Patricia Sieber. Lanham: Rowman and Littlefield pub., 2001. 49-71.

Chodorow, Nancy. “Heterosexuality as a Compromise Formation.” Femininities, Masculinities, Sexualities. UP of Kentucky, 1994. Rpt. In Literary Theory: An Anthology. Ed. Julie Rivkin and Michael Ryan. Malden, MA: Blackwell pub., 1998. 769-774.

Larson, Wendy. “Women and the Discourse of Desire in Postrevolutionary China: The Awkward Postmodernism of Chen Ran.” Boundary 2 24, no. 3 (fall 1997): 201-223.

Lauretis, Teresa de. “Technologies of Gender.” Rpt. In Literary Theory: An Anthology. Ed. Julie Rivkin and Michael Ryan. Malden, MA: Blackwell pub., 1998. 713-721

Sang, Tze-lan D.. The Emerging Lesbian: Female Same-Sex Desire in Modern China. U of Chicago P., 2003. 163-174 & 200-222.

Sieber, Patricia. Introduction. Red Is Not The Only Color Contemporary Chinese Fiction on Love and Sex between Women, Collected Stories. Ed. Patricia Sieber. Lanham: Rowman and Littlefield Inc., 2001. 21-22.

Bibliography

Inwood, Michael. Heidegger: A Very Short Introduction, New York: Oxford UP, 1997.



[1] Germane to Chen’s usage: Kafka’s allegories and parables also feature spacelessness that makes them (seemingly) unbeholden to particulars while still proffering significance of both universal and larger specificity.

[2] This idea of “personal myth,” culturally producing and performing of usually compulsory heterosexuality but also sexualities in general, refers to an idea used in Chodorow’s “Heterosexuality as a Compromise Formation” (771).

Friday, December 22, 2006

博客?博士?

最近一直在实习,发现硕士是个很尴尬的角色,好在已经结束了。曾经挣扎地想读个博士,认为这才是我应该走的路,把自己的研究继续下去,但是一个多月的实地演练,发现重要的还是实践,回头想想研究生们作的论文创新性很少 ,而且有实践意义的也很少。博士,在一段时间还是远离我吧,先来作个博客,这个比较实践。
昨天被Vicky问起,能不能作一个AE,她说觉得硕士不一定愿意作很琐碎的事情。Indeed,我从来没把自己当个硕士,一切都从大学毕业小本开始,在PR领域,经验比学历更重要,我没有实践经验,我就要从最底层做起。这种想法是我在大学期间学生会工作学到的,要想进入更好的水平,要从基础做,看到实际存在的问题,才能在策略阶段有更好的Idea。
唉,工作依然很难找,尤其是硕士。还是作个博客,资源共享,思想共享的好。
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我是一个网络游行侠,哪里有乐趣就到哪里去,世界就是我的家(这是麦克卢汉告诉我的,呵呵)

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

找呀找呀找工作

最近在一个国内前十的公关公司做part-time,收获很大。前两天跟我们的team-leader聊天,说这个公司已经跟宏盟合作了,突然我一不小心进了一家梦寐以求的4A,开心中。在这个地方,我觉得自己快速地成长,每天工作都很兴奋,以前一直很茫然,不知道找个什么样的工作,现在觉得找到了,就是PR。我做的是digital group,是公关业目前的前沿业务,大家也都是在探索中,我的leader和partner教会了我很多东西,很喜欢跟他们在一起。在这段日子里,我渐渐地开始喜欢写作了,想把自己工作中的点点滴滴记录下来,以备后用。今天我们公司来了一个宏盟跳槽过来的女孩儿,问我学了中文的意义是什么,我想了很久说,可能三年硕士对工作没有什么明显的帮助,这种影响是潜移默化的,我从创意型思维到逻辑性思维,跨度很大,但是受益匪浅,这样的益不是一时看得出来的,是一种文化的沉淀。去蓝标的二轮面试中学到一个思想,认为做公关最重要是能沉下去,飞起来,我想三年中文练就了我沉下去的心吧。
对了,今天,接到了蓝色光标的第三轮面试通知,听说还是群面,但是是终面,估计是5:1。熬了一个月,终于到了出结果的时候了,心里七上八下。不过能走到最后一轮面试,已经出乎意料了,毕竟跟我同面的人都是北大、人大、中国传媒的优秀人才。希望能进入蓝色光标,本土公关业的老大。
还有,最近电脑无数次中毒,让我深受折磨,真希望身边有一个电脑高手呀。我的工作是公关,不是网络安全,这样下去,我可以去公司做个IT了。